Memories Of Counted Minutes
by gigilexi017
Summary: Mello X Matt- Matt disobeys Mello by meeting someone from their past who could divulge their identities, during which time Mello makes an important discovery about his feelings.


_**Comments: **__**This was written for a "Winter Silence" contest. **_

_**The story is both Matt and Mello's POV. The narrators are alternated by the "****".**_

_**Warning: **__**This story contains implications of Matt and Mello as lovers.**_

_**If yaoi/shonen ai/boy x boy relationships are not your thing, then it might be better if you give this one a skip.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or its characters, and don't make any money from these stories.**_

_**About Linda**__: Linda did not appear in Death Note Anime but did appear in Death Note Manga, although very, very briefly. She's the one who draws the pictures of Mello and Near for Aizawa and Matsuda when they go to Wammy's House, and is later mentioned as being a famous artist XD_

_In cannon, Linda does not falsify pictures for the mafia (At least as far as we know ;D)_

_Linda was also a former Wammy's child at the same time as Mello, Matt and Near._

_**Hope you enjoy : D**_

_************************************************************************_

"_**Matt"**_

"_**Yes?"**_

"_**Matt?"**_

"_**Mello, are you feeling fine?"**_

"_**Matt…"**_

_What I would give for a groggy murmur emanating from the sofa, muddled with the loud "bleeps" and "bops" transmitted by that damn console that took up so much of his time and attention away from the real world. Sometimes I reasoned that it must be his lifeline._

_We all need a lifeline in this world. I don't want to drawn into this abyss. I want to remembered, not just leave a trail of fear and superfluous indifference. _

_The bare branches of the trees seem to dance knowingly, the thin wisp of the air is haunting to a point where the tall man with the wool scarf and thick-rimmed glasses and what seems to be his partner both look down simultaneously._

_The girl gripes his arm, tugging lightly, and murmurs something softly, venturing against the whistling wind, nodding her head to the direction of the nearby café. The man makes no gesture of perception. He just nudges and is led into the local that shines with an inviting amber glow. _

_The door closes behind them. A grin further illuminates the woman's tawny complexion, which seemed very familiar._

_The man quickly gazes at the menu. He appears to be absorbed in his decision. But behind those thick glasses lays a more intricate decision, a more personal thought, an intangible parallel being replayed behind those eyes fixed on the wooden board behind the counter. _

_He'd missed that smile. The one that graced the young woman's features for a few indefinite seconds. In estimation maybe nine, ten; all the time the man deep in thought, trying to conceal being so. It wasn't easy to grasp what was hidden under that melodic stare, at an adequate distance point to be alien to many._

_If I close my eyes it's all the same._

_Trickle. Trickle; feeding. Falling down. Resonant tear bleeding hatred and love._

_***************************************************_

_He turned his head violently to the side. His fringe was covering half his face; the right side of his face. It seemed something he only did when he knew no one was watching, or didn't really care; which wasn't often. It tugged at my heart to watch those eyes sting with the threat of tears. _

_His angry, thundering mark was almost invisible under a mass of blonde, angelical strands._

_Why…why did I come here today?_

_****************************************************_

"_They are soft," he said, while mindlessly tracing circles around the wooden container bearing a fragrant recollection of Brazilian coffee beans._

_I had no doubt he knew what coffee beans felt like. It was Matt, after all._

_Even with his hair hidden under a cap and his eyes lurking behind those tinted glasses._

_Even with his aloof and detached attitude, overly so, even by his standards, it was still the same bloody redhead that isolated himself inside the orphanage we once used to call home, sitting by the window, filling the room with vexatious sounds, eyes always flicking through to the lithe blonde boy kicking the ball with force across the field._

_There was something afflicting him. I was 60% sure this wasn't a manipulative act of behavior._

_He always seemed laid-back, not preoccupied by mundane complications, presenting an unrestrained facet to the big bad world. Whether that be Wammy's or the outside environment that led him there._

_I knew all this, and yet it still seemed like a deficit, a gap in my information that made guessing his ensuing actions almost impossibility. I was almost inclined to believe he wouldn't even make a move, just watching him gazing anxiously at the varied selection of coffee and cocoa beans on display on the wooden counter, it's thin lines stretching to show a vast array of tonalities from auburn to hazel. Yet it seemed to be just a simple birch wood material. In all likelihood, the golden light illuminating our faces, contouring mine and further shadowing what was visible of him, was almost a celestial grazing on all of us._

"_Chosen yet?" came the voice, abrupt in being unforeseen.I flashed him a smile with a flicker of my eyes in I can see from his profile softens and I note a sly smile slowly slithering on his features.I shiver very slightly. I may just be out of my depth."Let's sit down, shall we? I think I already know what to order".I nod obligingly and try to ameliorate the situation by cheerfully replying "Yes, me too. I hear they have the best cappuccino's here, and their hot Cocoa is to die for. I…"Stop. I don't want to mention Mello just yet. But it seems Matt has taken the hint. Even through his careless façade, he is a genius. Third heir to L. Anything chocolate must have been used as an opener to conversing about Mello multiple times effortlessly motions his gloved hand to a table towards the back, and starts moving. I'm not facing him directly as he says, almost mockingly "Mello's fine, Linda"_

_****************************************************_

_I see them. The man and the woman. Pushing through the slender gaps of chairs filled by a multitude of diverse people to finally locate themselves at a table for two. They aren't in full view of the window, but from the angle that they are sitting, in the far left corner of the atmospheric little café, they can be viewed precisely from the station of my car, complimented by Larry Lecargo. I didn't even have to mention what it was needed for. Just a simple glare and stern question got me a white Nissan. Not ideal for speed but adequate for blending in and still maintaining a just a bit of badass on my vehicle._

_A further few seconds of glances confirm what was toying with my mind all the while they weren't so visibly available. I am now almost 93% sure the man is Matt and, by consequence, 86% certain his accompaniment is, indeed, Linda._

"_Matt! You idiot…I told you not to go…" I'm so angry, yet my voice is barely above a whisper._

"_Fuck!"_

_My hand collides against the seat with the crushing force of flaring anger, leaving a fist-formed void that slowly materializes again._

"_I never asked you to go…" _

_****************************************************_

_Our coffees arrive and the waitress puts the tray down in a hurry._

"_Moccaccino?" She asks, swaying her visible strands of long hair, cascading from the bun she had gathered a top of her head with a big pink hairclip._

"_Here", Matt responds, nodding his head as she serves down the steaming cup in front of him._

_His tone is all business. He doesn't even say thank you to the girl, but she still flashes him a smile nonetheless, before handing me my frothy cappuccino._

"_Enjoy". She grins her practiced smile, nonetheless inviting, and leaves us with a hasty step. I hold the hot concoction closer to me and peer up at Matt. His tinted lenses don't let me see much of his expression, but I can sense that he's trying to remain serious._

"_Linda, I don't want to prolong your distress, so I'm going to be clear."_

_I nod in an approving manner. This tone was so unlike the Matt I used to know._

"_Nous devrions parler dans une langue différent maintenant, pour être sûrs, oui ?"_

"_D'accord". I'm trying to maintain a steady tone despite being slightly startled by the change in language. Of course, I expected as much, but this only serves to confirm my fears that this is indeed a very serious matter we are about to discuss. _

_I wonder why French though. As far as Wammy's was concerned, we were fluent in 5 languages, French being one of them, but many spoke even more because of the influence of their mother tongue and the places they had visited, and many would devour books and audio tapes from the library just to surpass others, always aiming for the best. To be the best. I wonder what new languages Matt must have picked up. Right now he's trying to keep it safe using a language we both understand. I feel a feeble bewilderment at my slight offense at this._

"_As you may know" he continued, in French "I'm currently working alongside Mello. Our mission is highly complicated and involves Kira to a high degree. You may already have guessed what our ultimate goal might be, right?"_

"_Oui"_

"_Yes" he continues, in his fluent French, still in that detached tone, so altered from that nonchalant, mischievous tone he used so many years ago. That I didn't doubt he still used._

_There is level of intimidation here. I suspects he knows as much. But I still try to maintain as solid and secure a tone and posture as I can comply with. Wammy's taught us all how to conceal our outer actions to maintain as calm as possible so others could not adequately read us._

_Each path we had traveled had further emphasized the importance of this technique. Especially now, with Kira around. "Seeming", not "being", had become a way of life for many. _

"_Well, I suspected you knew as much. For the sake of this conversation, we will refer to Kira as James, by which I do not mean to imply gender. It's simply easier this way; safer. "_

_Stopping slightly in his speech, awaiting an act or word of recognition, I feel inclined to add "Fine by me"_

"_Good, thank you". He smiles his blasé smile again, subsequently taking a sip from his coffee, and I feel disoriented in the fact I actually take comfort in it. Like we are taking about child's play here! His moments of an indifferent shrug or devious smirks seemed to displace me somewhat. To see his normal behavior in such uncertainty was…_

"_As I was specifying, I think you know other things about James too." I open my mouth to speak, but instead, Matt continues with his flow of words. "I don't mean to imply that you know who James is, or that you are in fact this person. Please don't misunderstand. But I have deduced that you know…" he pauses shortly, in which time I realize that he must be thinking of a way to phrase his words._

"_Io penso che lui so come uccide."_

_Italian. _

_Not for the first time this evening, I feel a shiver run down my one, however, was the most electrifying of them all._

_I replay the words in my head, searching for another meaning. No, my Italian wasn't impaired enough to evade the meaning. The very fact that he had switched to a different language confirmed thought I knew how Kira kills._

_I must remember to breathe. He is not implying, as of yet, that I am Kira or know who Kira is._

_He's waiting. There's already been a long enough gap from his statement to my response._

_I consider at this time, my best bet is remaining ambiguous, but not denying anything._

"_I have a speculation." I reply, shifting once more a la langue française, "I really can't say for certain if this is actuality, but it seems to concord with facts. However, I don't have nearly as much information on the case as you and Mello, and I'm not exactly on a quest to find James, so I'm afraid I probably can't supply you with any information that you don't already know."_

"_It's not information that I need from you right now. I suspect that you know the real reason why I've called you to meet here. You know the circumstances that led us here. I'm very skilled with computers. I found you easily. You wouldn't respond to me online. Here is proof that I am Matt, are you convinced of that?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Good, I'm glad, because Mello did not want me to come here to meet you today. He's not as patient and easygoing as I am. He prefers to get rid of the obstacle directly."_

_Not even taking a discrete deep breath stopped my wincing. I take a deep gulp from my Cappuccino instead._

"_Don't worry; you're not in danger by being here. At least as far as me and Mello are concerned. Ad honorem of our friendship, Linda. We're not cold-hearted."_

"_I'm glad."_

_A smirk._

"_Now, no more delaying the subject matter. I told you earlier Mello and I are involved in the James case. It is vitally important that our identities are not revealed. Out of all the Wammy people, you are the one with the most resources to give away our identities. You're a very skilled artist, not to mention your great photographic memory. Don't take this the wrong way, but between your career and the two little Wammy's boys, between your safety and ours; I'm inclined to think you would give us away"._

"_I guess that's a fair assumption…I would think the same in your position"."Okay, I'm glad you are subjective and understand this. Thank you. I'm here to warn you not to divulge our ipseities."_

"_I'm fairly sure I wouldn't. I don't see who would ask me to reveal your identities without confirming themselves as James or James' accomplice."_

"_You may think this now, but James is very astute and has ways of finding things out. We have reason to believe that he or she is working with the Japanese police force."_

"_Wow. That's a very important discovery!"_

"_Yes, indeed it is. But this just means we're in some deep shit- it makes it much easier for James or James´ partisans to extract information from you. Linda, I told you from the start that'd I'd be clear. I hope to honor that."_

_He takes a deep breath and I hold my warm mug closer to myself. _

"_Basically, I want to insure that you'll do what we want you to."_

_Now's the time fear might actually be appropriate…_

_I don't need to think it through…my hands are already clammy and my heart beating irregularly fast. Around me, I notice once more the café. The waitress, always seeming in a hurry even though it wasn't nearly full, balancing her tray that tipped slightly sideways. The private conversations that took place on the tables around us. _

_To them, we were foreigners catching up in a cozy café.To me, it was either my salvation or my death bed._

_**Thump**_

"_Mello…"_

_**Thump**_

"_He has contacts in the Mafia. Did you know that?"_

_**Thump**_

"_Well, apparently the Mafia knows you. We know, Linda, we…"_

_**Thump**_

"_Your past is not a secret anymore ..."_

_**Fist breaking with plastic**_

"_A struggling artist…"_

_**Foot crashing surface**_

"_In need of quick money…"_

"_**Matt!"**_

"_An extraordinary talent, a prodigious intelligence…"_

"_**I…"**_

"_All the qualities necessary for the easy way out?"_

_**Why…**_

"_Working at that gallery… it didn't take long"_

_**"I don't want anything to happen to you"**_

"_Falsification of pictures…"_

_**Why?**_

"_Big money… big business"_

_**I don't want to lose you.**_

"…_Superordinate bodies"_

_**Irrational fear**_

"_becoming well known for your falsification skills…"_

…_**Because I love you**_

"_Now you finally got there. You're finally well known for your own art, a definitive style. You reached what every single kid at that orphanage wanted. I'm willing to bet you won't let it slip away."_

_*********************************************************************_

"_Hello…"_

_I was expecting that he'd know it was me. Who would have their car stationed a block away from that café for such a long time whilst reminding inside it?I saw him coming out of the café after Linda left. As he approached, all my doubts vanished. It was Matt._

_My Matt…_

_Relief flooding in. He was fine._

_Love evading. He'd been worried about my being found out._

_Anger overtaking. He'd disobeyed my orders and put our life's at 'd fucking gone when I told him not too!Since when did he fucking disobey my orders!?I start the engine and its roar echoes the outcry I want to gloved hand grips the steering wheel with force. For a second, I consider actually driving off, just to show him that you don't fuck with me._

_My chest heaves while he patiently waits outside the car._

_Click _

I motion my gloved hand with a vague gesture that indicates he can enter.

Grasping the door handle delicately with his long gloves…

_Click _

I don't hear that familiar sound of him collapsing on the seat next to mine.

Instead, it's a more cautious approach that makes it seem as if there was a perturbed silence he didn't want to disturb.

I don't even know if I want an explanation or to throw him out the window.

I decide on keeping this silence for a little longer.

"Mello…"

Shhh!

Just let me think…

Sometimes, we feed off each other's , you cloud my judgment and… "We'll talk about this when we get home."

My fury is burning deep and all I want to do is yell out all that I've been thinking while he was there with Linda, all that I felt, suffered and burned, for both of I keep quiet, because it just doesn't leave my with that, a step on the pedal gives a last "vroom" and I set off for a very challenging journey.

************************************************************************

A "thud" firmly closed the door behind us and suddenly there was no more reason for this uncordial silence.

"Matt, what the fuck? I told you not to go!"

"Not wasting much time, are we?" he says in a tone that seems rather blithe for this context, yet he removes his cap and glasses with care, something rather unusual, showing his repent in a way that I would recognize.

"Sorry" he adds with a much more meditative tone.I throw myself down on the sofa with force, burying my hand in my tight leather pocket, lurking around for the only vice I'm actually permitted to indulge in. Producing a bar of chocolate with a cogent, tenacious grace, my eyes are fixed on the, now perfectly visible, redhead before me.

"Tell me, Matt, when did you fucking think that meeting up with Linda was a good idea?Let's see, shall we. She knows who we are, and you've successfully divulged to her a lot of facts we could have used being private"

A "clack" breaks a piece of chocolate that melts tentatively in my mouth.

"That we fought to keep private. When you agreed to work with me on the Kira case, you knew that both our asses were on the line, and you still accepted"

Matt was standing there, defenseless, looking at me while I spoke, an unlit cigarette hanging limply between his lips. I secure a good glimpse of him, taking another bite of chocolate as I do.

"And what abides the fact is, you not only disobeyed me, you actually put our lives in danger when it wasn't necessary. Yes, Linda would have been a great alley, I agree…"

I remember I haven't even asked him if he had accomplished his objective. He's told me nothing about how it went, either, but at least I know nothing absurdly terrible occurred.I would have been informed, even under my command for silence.

Fury reigns again.

"But I say things for a reason, Matt! Why the hell did you go there and meet her, jackass? Not even tell me? Did you doubt I could find you? You might be great at hacking but you know I'm not unskilled myself. It took me a while to get there, but I don't think you would have ruled that possibility , as the circumstances presented themselves, I think you could pretty much assume I would be trailing behind you. I know that you could have secured the information much better. Different codes, firewalls..."

I stand up for there is an inertia too great inside me, and my hands alone aren't enough to gesture my emotions.

"Do you even have an idea of what I was thinking about in there? While I was in the car and you were inside that café? Those minutes passed like freaking hours, Matt. It´s…"

"Mello…" came the husky whisper.

****************************************************

"It's complicated!"

"Mello, I… tell me what's complicated"

"Fuck, Matt! Me! You! Us!"

"Mells… you're allowed to feel disoriented at times…" I say, trailing closer.

His fringe covers his eyes again and, once more, that pang of guilt treads through every fiber of my being.

Brining back an image diffused through the glass; a glint of angelical strands of blonde cascading downwards, golden, pure. Little Mihael, desolated in exposed lonesomeness.

I shift a little closer still, but I'm well aware of leaving a sizeable gap, because with Mello, this could go either way.

"Shut up" comes the response "and leave me alone".

Cold and but not unforeseen, I decide to push my luck.

"Mello, I'm sorry. You gave an order and I didn't follow it. But…"

I swallowed down the sting of tears threatening in my throat.

"…you know they have your picture and that it isn't safe for you now…"

Still no response, but the pressing in my throat was subsiding.

"I know you're stubborn, and you don't want to worry me sometimes, but Mello, don't underestimate me either, because I can try to help and you fucking well know that"

"Fff…""I decided to put myself in danger to help you find Kira and I'm going to honor my word. I'm not the most responsible or organized and shit, but I try because I love you. I didn't want to worry you, so I left some hints as to my whereabouts only you would guess. I knew you probably wouldn't interrupt us for both our safety's sake."

"Fuck!"

"Mello, please look at me"

His eyes rose a bit; defiant in surface, but I could glimpse the vulnerability behind them.

"If I could make everything alright for you, I would. Confusion happens, you know? Sometimes I'm addled with the world, and you think "What is it all for?" I wish I could answer that for you, but it's something that will haunt us until death. All I can promise you is that I will never, ever try to tear you up".

His face softens, so I take him from the waist and pull his slim body close to mine, retracting so we both fall into the beat sofa, and, still gripped at the waist, he curls into a semicircle and rests his head on my chest, so that each strand of those blonde locks are disheveled on my vest, so that his ice blue eyes were looking at mine.

"You're not wearing your goggles" he smiles.

"I know" I smirk back.

"No distorted reality?

"No. Just you and me. That's my greatest reality"

"Matt…"

"Don't worry about me now. Don't worry about the world. It's just us now"With a further shuffling of his head, and his eyes no longer facing me, I hear the soft sobs obediently emanating from my lover below. I think they were tears of relief as much as gruesome suffering, repressed emotions, confliction of love, diffusion of religion, contraction of reality. Showing something so hid to others. This moment wasn't about being the strongest, the best, the warrior, the savior. It was about being human.

With each stroke of his hair came a muffled sob into hidden depths of my vest.

"S'OK baby, it's just us."

****************************************************

"Argghh"

My heaving chest already drowned with sorrow was pulsated with waves of pain and oppression.

My eyes were clouding and all I could remember was that day.

"Matt…"

Panic. Matt wasn't here beside me. He wasn't here! He told me not to worry.

Just us…

Linda… traitor!

I told him not to go!

Moisture lurks behind my eyes, and I'm not afraid to let it go.

The vibrations of the car are felt as rippling explosions of one last feel.

"**Don't worry about me now…"**

Takada...then…Kira…

"**Don't worry about the world"**

Defeat…win…

"**It's just us now"**

Coating me is that amber light that reigned in the corner of that little café, that day…

Matt!!!

Vibrations are rocking me, just like that time... he soothed back my hair.

Where are you? I need you!

A smile is visible from the distance, a voice echoes in my head.

"**S'Okay baby, it's just us now"**

And for once, it is. Enthralled, entwined, enlightened.

"…**Just us now…"**

**************************************************************************************

I hope you enjoyed :D

**Reviews are love, they mean a lot to me **^_^

**It's great to know if I'm doing it right and where I could improve on, so reviews are really appreciated :D But please no flames.**

**Thanks for reading *gives cookie* **


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